Imagine if Infinite Campus ever got an upgrade so as to provide daily information to helicopter parents all throughout the summer. It might look something like this:

Emily has an updated Effort Grade. No effort at all was detected, as she uttered the word “bored” an average of six times per hour during the past week.

Dad: How can you be bored? Look at all the work that needs to be done around here! When I was your age I was mowing lawns …

Emily: Yes! My favorite YouTuber finally released a new video. I have something to do now!

Michael has received a new grade in nature studies of F. He positively identified zero leaf images and all 24 app icons on an online quiz.

Mom: How did you not identify even one leaf? This is terrible. I want you to go online right now and send an email to Aldo Leopold Nature Center and request tutoring with a naturalist!

Michael: Uh, Mom, it wasn’t an official test. If was just a dumb online quiz.

Mom: I don’t care! Weren’t you paying attention all those times we went hiking at Devil’s Lake? I knew we never should have given you that Nintendo DS in 2007 …

Hailey has received a new grade in Summer English. It reflects the results of a spell check of her texts from the past week, which revealed a complete absence of proper grammar and spelling.

Mom: When I was your age we wrote notes … actually handwritten notes, not even typewritten! … to each other. And even though we were writing by hand we didn’t use acronyms.

Hailey: OMG my texts were graded? I’d rather be in actual school than deal with this! (Furiously types a group text about this violation of privacy).

Emma has received a new grade of A in debate.

Zachary has received a new grade of A in debate.

Mom: Wow, you both did so well in debate today!

Zach: What? She doesn’t deserve an A! I totally won all my fights with Emma today!

Emma: Did not, butthead!

Matthew has not turned in his math assignment requiring that he calculate how much energy is wasted each time the refrigerator door is opened.

Dad: You need to keep your math skills up in the summer. Kids in Asia don’t have summer vacation like we do and are way ahead of us in math.

Matthew: I didn’t have the energy to do the assignment because there’s never anything to eat around here!

This Humor Me column originally appeared in the Herald-Independent on June 16, 2016.


Filed under: Anita's PostsHumor Column

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