Infinite Campus: Summer Edition for Helicopter Parents
Imagine if Infinite Campus ever got an upgrade so as to provide daily information to helicopter parents all throughout the summer. It might look something like this:
Emily has an updated Effort Grade. No effort at all was detected, as she uttered the word “bored” an average of six times per hour during the past week.
Dad: How can you be bored? Look at all the work that needs to be done around here! When I was your age I was mowing lawns …
Emily: Yes! My favorite YouTuber finally released a new video. I have something to do now!
Michael has received a new grade in nature studies of F. He positively identified zero leaf images and all 24 app icons on an online quiz.
Mom: How did you not identify even one leaf? This is terrible. I want you to go online right now and send an email to Aldo Leopold Nature Center and request tutoring with a naturalist!
Michael: Uh, Mom, it wasn’t an official test. If was just a dumb online quiz.
Mom: I don’t care! Weren’t you paying attention all those times we went hiking at Devil’s Lake? I knew we never should have given you that Nintendo DS in 2007 …
Hailey has received a new grade in Summer English. It reflects the results of a spell check of her texts from the past week, which revealed a complete absence of proper grammar and spelling.
Mom: When I was your age we wrote notes … actually handwritten notes, not even typewritten! … to each other. And even though we were writing by hand we didn’t use acronyms.
Hailey: OMG my texts were graded? I’d rather be in actual school than deal with this! (Furiously types a group text about this violation of privacy).
Emma has received a new grade of A in debate.
Zachary has received a new grade of A in debate.
Mom: Wow, you both did so well in debate today!
Zach: What? She doesn’t deserve an A! I totally won all my fights with Emma today!
Emma: Did not, butthead!
Matthew has not turned in his math assignment requiring that he calculate how much energy is wasted each time the refrigerator door is opened.
Dad: You need to keep your math skills up in the summer. Kids in Asia don’t have summer vacation like we do and are way ahead of us in math.
Matthew: I didn’t have the energy to do the assignment because there’s never anything to eat around here!
This Humor Me column originally appeared in the Herald-Independent on June 16, 2016.
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