For those of us who don’t count steps, points or calories, what are we to do?

For starters, we can stop saying that golf is a good walk spoiled. That honor now has to go to a Fitbit walk. Nothing ruins a walk like counting the steps and learning how few calories were burned. Knowing that a mile is around 2,000 steps is TMI that I can no longer unsee. Kind of like having a song from Z-104 stuck on repeat in my head.

We can also update Coco Chanel’s saying, “Before leaving the house, look in the mirror and remove one accessory” to “Before leaving the house, remove all wearable tech.” The Fitbit and Apple Watch are profoundly ugly and ruin any outfit. No wonder my first thought when I received a debit card with that shiny new chip was to wonder if I could turn that chip into a fashion accessory. Surely we should be allowed to use it as a bracelet charm or necklace pendant and toss the plastic. Considering that only a tiny fraction of my debit card purchases are for items for me, the only option I can see for having fun when using the debit card is if I wear it as an accessory.

And speaking of chip debit cards, even though it’s been several months since I received it, I still have no idea if it is actually more secure or not, because Walgreens, Walmart and Trader Joe’s are the only stores I go to that have the chip option of processing the card. So most of my transactions are of the insecure variety.

The other day I read that there is something called e-skin, which can give your hand or arm the power of a smartwatch. The article said, “If you functionalize your own skin, you don’t need to carry anything, and it’s easy to receive information anywhere, anytime.”

Oh my. Imagine the possibilities. Maybe I wouldn’t even need a library card anymore. And it would give me yet another reason to avoid going to the pool, so I don’t get my e-skin wet or sunburned. Otherwise my transaction at the cash register might decline for excessive ultraviolet rays and chlorine. Although at least that’s less embarrassing than “insufficient funds.”

Until then, the best I can probably hope for someday is a “Throw a Fit” Bit that counts all the irritating things that cross my path. Now that would be useful.

 

This Humor Me column originally appeared in the Herald-Independent on June 23, 2016.


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