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Because it’s almost impossible to find jeans that aren’t mom jeans (or daughter jeans), I wore my old jeans for so long that one day I came dangerously close to having to wear yoga pants in public.

Fortunately, I pulled myself together and performed a public service: I finally went jeans shopping.

I managed to remember the stringent criteria that jeans must meet: correct inseam length, back pocket style, wash, leg and rise.

As I anticipated, this was an ordeal, with many obstacles to navigate. Back pockets with embroidery on them are all the rage. I prefer a discreet backside. Ankle length inseams are the norm for straight/skinny jeans, which remind me of the dreaded “floods” of my youth.

I like skinny jeans, the style of the young, but ironically they make me feel like I’m wearing compression stockings, which are for the old.

As a child of the 1980s, it took me many years to finally make peace with low rise jeans. Of course, now that I’m fully converted, high rise seems to be popular again. I don’t want to have to readjust to the high rise.

Miraculously, I found a pair of plain pocket, mid-rise, straight leg jeans that were long enough. Next to the fly is a label that says “Lucky You,” which I thought was witty, given that no one would ever see it. Or so I thought.

As it turns out, I forgot the most important criteria of all in the buying jeans playbook: a functioning zipper.

The first time I wore these to work I noticed my fly was open, with it’s “Lucky You” invitation. Mortified, I went to the bathroom to try to fix it, but to no avail. The zipper wouldn’t stay up for more than several seconds.

Because this was the last pair of jeans in my sizes (of course), taking the jeans back to the store wasn’t a viable option. I turned to the Internet for help and found a video on YouTube with instructions on how to fix a jeans zipper that won’t stay up.

Options include using a keychain loop, which worked fairly well. The more permanent solution, if, like me, you have no sewing skills and can’t replace the zipper, is to use a wrench to fix the zipper.

By the way, it’s best to take your jeans off first before using the wrench option. Not that I’m speaking from personal experience.

Ahem.

This Humor Me column originally appeared in the Herald-Independent on March 24, 2016.


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