Imagine if Infinite Campus ever got an upgrade so as to provide daily information to helicopter parents all throughout the summer. It might look something like this:
Emily has an updated Effort Grade. No effort at all was detected, as she uttered the word “bored” an average of six times per hour during the past week.
Dad: How can you be bored? Look at all the work that needs to be done around here! When I was your age I was mowing lawns …
Emily: Yes! My favorite YouTuber finally released a new video. I have something to do now!
Michael has received a new grade in nature studies of F. He positively identified zero leaf images and all 24 app icons on an online quiz.
Mom: How did you not identify even one leaf? This is terrible. I want you to go online right now and send an email to Aldo Leopold Nature Center and request tutoring with a naturalist!
Michael: Uh, Mom, it wasn’t an official test. If was just a dumb online quiz.
Mom: I don’t care! Weren’t you paying attention all those times we went hiking at Devil’s Lake? I knew we never should have given you that Nintendo DS in 2007 …
Hailey has received a new grade in Summer English. It reflects the results of a spell check of her texts from the past week, which revealed a complete absence of proper grammar and spelling.
Mom: When I was your age we wrote notes … actually handwritten notes, not even typewritten! … to each other. And even though we were writing by hand we didn’t use acronyms.
Hailey: OMG my texts were graded? I’d rather be in actual school than deal with this! (Furiously types a group text about this violation of privacy).
Emma has received a new grade of A in debate.
Zachary has received a new grade of A in debate.
Mom: Wow, you both did so well in debate today!
Zach: What? She doesn’t deserve an A! I totally won all my fights with Emma today!
Emma: Did not, butthead!
Matthew has not turned in his math assignment requiring that he calculate how much energy is wasted each time the refrigerator door is opened.
Dad: You need to keep your math skills up in the summer. Kids in Asia don’t have summer vacation like we do and are way ahead of us in math.
Matthew: I didn’t have the energy to do the assignment because there’s never anything to eat around here!
This Humor Me column originally appeared in the Herald-Independent on June 16, 2016.