Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: No thanks, I’m just looking.
Clerk: Just reach out to me if you need anything. I’m happy to leverage some industry standard best practices from our stylists to find pieces that will take your wardrobe to the next level and get you to …
Me: (plugging ears) Don’t say it …
Clerk: … think outside the box. I understand this kind of paradigm shift may not be one of your core competencies. We want to get your buy-in. Let’s start with some of the low-hanging fruit in the sales rack over here. We really moved the needle … excuse the pun, haha … when making this new linen fabric. It drapes beautifully and will break down your silo, which seems to trend toward preppy. It’s a stretch goal for you, but the colorful print is impactful and will empower you.
Me: Empower? Is this the Lean In store? I don’t do prints. And I only take fashion advice from the likes of Tim Gunn and Kim France. By the way, I see your jeans have less than 90 percent cotton, which is unacceptable.
Clrk: I will socialize that with my manager. In the meantime I want to solutionize and give you an actionable takeaway more within your comfort zone. Let’s circle back to the shoe section. This pair of Van’s mesh slip-on espadrilles is on sale, and there’s one pair left in your size.
Clerk: Is there a problem?
Me: How did you know I like those? They are on my Zappos wish list. Did you somehow hack into my phone while I’ve been here?
Clerk: Of course not. We use big data to take a deeper dive and gather learnings that help us create a customer avatar for someone with your particular customer requirements.
Me: Avatar? Did I stumble into a video game? If so, I hope it is called Thanks for Not Reaching Out, and avatars lose a life every time they say annoying business jargon. Look, it’s been real, but I gotta go.
Clerk: What I’m hearing is that your wardrobe has a lot of moving parts but you have limited bandwidth right now. At the end of the day, it’s all about creating the best customer experience we can. Let’s tee it up over here where we can map out some next steps.
Me: This isn’t the golf course!
Clerk: Golf? There are some Under Armour women’s golf shirts over here …
Me: Argh! I think we need to take this offline.
This Humor Me column originally appeared in the Herald-Independent on May 12, 2016.